Sedated Oblivion..

So I tell myself on a daily basis, that I am indeed content with the standards that apply to my life at the moment. Im not necessarily unsatisfied, i suspose im just a little discouraged. I know that life is what one makes of it, and if i am to be unsatisfied with what is currently going on in mine, i can easially change everything- the statistics. Though i sit back, dream and hope to wake to something anew, soon.

I signed up with a modeling entourage about 15 minutes ago. I would love to model-- even more so, act. I acted my entire life growing up, staring in all the big plays and participating in all of the talent shows. I feel as though I have something to offer to this world that goes beyond looks and the camera, though for some off reason, i am so truly infatuated with the idea of being famous, and on the big screen- one way or another. I posted 5 photos online for this project.. and suposidily agents go about searching for models and what not. How delighted I would be to get discovered. lord knows it wont happen on the streets of spokane- then again, im a strong believer in fate-- and whats suspose to happen, will. then end about that.

sleeping pill is kickin in. No cable, no DVD, no VCR- a heated bed, a soft pillow and peanuts.. not to mention Chico.

..& shes out.

So having said, in a sense.. what it is that ive wanted to say for so long now- i sit here feeling releaved with this unidentifiable stamina that lurks in my mind and creeps throughout the totality of my insides. I figured out the true essance of what it is to be ugly. I speak of no physical attritubutes, but instead of the mental stability that one possesses and the true danger of ones intentions with another. How can someone lack such compassion for another? How can someone fail to be faithful to not only the one they love, but more importantly to themselves, and their faith? How can someone be so blind, and finally see clearly once faced with the truth of who this person truly is? I know the answers to all, yet fail to recognize. Not even necessarily fail, but.. fuck, i dont know.

I feel good. ive met some very worthwhile, good people-- people who make me feel happy, warm and glad that im out of the house-- drinking cup after cup of coffee.. black with my cup of ice to cool it down. Staring deafly [if possible] at the beauty of these people.. and asking myself questions silently hoping for some sort of an answer that would make some knowledgable sense.. to either me.. or someone else. I dive in that pool that im somewhat familiar with, hoping for it to not end in total disgust and heartache.. hoping for it to blossom into something beautiful-- either a close bond, or something more. something so filled with intensity that the power of these two connections brings forth the ability to conquer all that is ahead of us.. or me.. or simply the other alone.

i am able now, to pick up my feet and walk forward. not shuffle, perhaps not even walk.. but skip. yeah, that sounds nice-- skip. Not run, for im in no hurry.. but glide. glide against the pavement as though directed in some odd way by some odd entity of anothers conscience. odd, in itself.

i shall return.

I know you think that i should'nt love you,
or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
or return to where we were
I will go down with this ship
and I won't put my hands up and surrender
there will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
and I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
and if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense
And when we meet
which I'm sure we will
all that was there
will be there still
I'll let it pass
and hold my tongue
and you will think
that i've moved on......
I will go down with this ship
and I won't put my hands up and surrender
there will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love- and always will be..

Truly a great song.. by Dido. I don't listen to her music, let alone the station that it is played on, [i rarely vender from oldies 101.1] but I found myself listening to this song.. and I could think of only one thing. I try to trick myself into telling myself over and over again that I'm over it. --That I am no longer hauling around these all so heavy feelings for him.. but I will be the first to call myself out on that statement. Its a lie.

Of course distance apart helps my fondness [love] for him dillute- though the moment we are together.. its like a relapse. I can't help but think and dream and wish and hope.. never will I stop.

A strange thing happened to me in church today. There is this man.... named Cody. He has this gift-- and well, today he shared it with me. I was the chosen one.

I'm falling off topic of him, though this all ties in, or so I like to tell myself that it does. A couple months back.. during church a woman and her son were called upon stage to tell a quick story and give thanks to a certain "angel" in the church. Cody. Weeks previous to this announcement, Cody had out of the blue approached this woman's son and told him that the Lord spoke to him, and he felt compelled to pray for this young man. So he did-- Several weeks later, the guy in whom was prayed for was in a car accident.. leaving the car mangled, though walking out with nothing more than a scratch. A miracle, they called it.

Today, after church~ Cody approached me. He followed me to the parking lot and asked to speak with me. He was a tattered man, rugged and to my guess, in his early 30's. He told me that he had to tell me something, for he was told to. "I'm Cody." My heart stopped, for I rememberd his name, and the story from months back. He told me that while during devotion and worship- the Lord pointed me out to him, and told him to pray for me. Cody told me that he didnt know why, nor what he was praying for-- all he knew, was that he felt compelled, and was given direct order from God, to do so.. and he did. He walked away from me, and i was taken over by great emotion.

When I entered back into the sanctuary, he... [wait a minute, this story is giving him away.. hmmm.. fuck it, he doesn't even have a computer...] was standing there, concerned.. and told me that the man approached him asking about his "wife." .........."...he called you my wife."

Never had I wished so much, that this statement was indeed reality. Ok, so perhaps my whole story, which i cared to share anyway, had nothing to do with him aside from that one sentance.. but yeah. Cody saw it, our connection, our closeness, and well--- I'd like to say, the future.

I'm so in love, with someone who has no idea.. or does he???

I've learned to deal with the obvious. I've grown to understand and move, on for investing so much time into something that is merely a possibility of failure- in one's sense, is utterly ridiculous. I could just say fuck it, and give in to the thought that occupied my mind daily.. then. I could just not care, and risk it all, not that there is much left anymore these days anyway- and clue him in. Sad thing being, I know that he is already entailed to my thoughts and constant with my breath of wonder in which occupies my sight and corupts my mind in a way, not even I know whats goin on.

Ive settled for the chance to forget. I will now play dumb and turn my head. I will leave immediatly when the session is over, and no longer will i cave into his charm and that subtle invite to accompany him to lunch, while he plans way around my heart and shortcuts into my head. Thats not a fair game, Peter.. we both know this. Simply pulling away is the one thing that i feel makes it all permanently cosher. I will now escape into the realms of denial when it comes to my feelings for you, for we both know that there is no point in dragging this intensity around and prolonging the crash and burn clear on out to December. Have fun with your minor-- the joke is on you.

Choko~ it finally nice to be able to feel content when it comes to another human being. Sure, there are several.. countless times, where i felt as though i was extremley content with another and willing to sacrifice whatever it may be to "try" things out, though never have I continued on that train of thought, always veering off path and coursing down some narrow road of dissapointment within myself, and the perpetuate analysis of the false analagy of the blissful consequence of true love. PPPSSFFFTTTT. riiiight. I see him there. Dark hair, shaggy and unkept.. with those blues eyes peering through as they rest against his olive complexion. The contrast striking me as it suffocates my mobility. I take deep breaths, and smile.. for never have I met anyone that creats such a constant, contagious smile.. as he. Content.

I keep waiting for the moment in which I look at him, and tell myself.. oh shit, its gone. I just lost it all.. why does he look like a total, utter jackass to me? Why did he have to just do such an idiotic, immature constable and leave me here, again dissapointed and incredibly baffled. Why arrogant? Why vain, and the end result.. a JACKASS? As time is inevitably wasted by none other than myself, i realize that those moments aren't returned, though dissolved.. yet, replaceable. It's so far, so good. And I shall just leave it at that.

NEXT.

YOU~ having ignored you for quite some time now, due to your outrageous behavior and painful words in which left me blank, frozen and gasping for air- i now smile. Never in my entire life of living, has anyone.. close or distant, spoke to me the way in which you decided to. Not even my own blood has made such cruel accusations and tossed alterd assumptions in my direction. I was shocked by the letter-formed words appearing on my screen, and fucking astonished.

I forgive.. its what i do- i also understand, thats what i do best. I hold nothing against you, for i tend to see clearly in the aspect in which you spoke from, though never expected the harsh demeanor in which was delivered. I see no reason in speaking with you. I find myself on your page from time to time, catching up.. and continuing to be amazed by your writing, and your mind. Smiling for youve found true love.. more say true love has found you. You are excelling in your present.. and dreaming about your future. I envy that. I will forever respect your thoughts and your mind, for you are indeed brilliant, and think in ways in which i thought i was alone on. Though, again... no need to share voice.. or compare ideals. I hurt you, so you hurt me. My hurt to you was not meant to happen, for your hurt addressed to me, was intentional.

I forgive.. yes... always.

Though i am finding it very difficult to forget. Call me stubbon, i would not dissagree. call it natural in my way of viewing.. others would not argue. I thank you for your recent words, for it made me feel better. I apologise for my part. Let this be the end. There is no need to further anything.

.............
NEXT>

having slept less than two hours last night, due to his congestion- resulting in snoring.. i feel as though sleep deprivation creeps into air passage and takes a seat under my skin. My body aches, and my head pounds. My stomache talks and my nose runs.. Its time to sleep. No longer can i continue on this road of insomnia, for it is the ruin of me..

big test next week.. my fingers remained cross.

..>>and shes out.

Waking up everday thinking of the other.. falling asleep every night dreaming of the other..

A unopened bottle of merlot, now entirely empty rests on my desk next to my bed. The stain on the yellow sheets sends a remberance to my mind, of the previous evening. Garden State. True love. The one holding herself back.. allowing all temptation to remain physically nonexistant, and incoherant, though present in her mind. I rest my head on my pillow as I lay on my side holding my wine glass, and I stare at his side profile.. we laugh, roll around and i hiccup. His focus is on the movie.. though he claims to be lost? perhaps distracted? I hope.

My friend. my dear, best friend. My ride, my saint. I want to touch his skin, and have it be okay. I want to kiss his lips, and have him kiss me back. I want to hold his hand as his arm drapes over my shoulders.. I enjoyed how he tucked me in, and hated how he left. Him, in love with someone else.. someone over 3,000 miles away.. different climate, different state- wrong girl.

The eye contact that seems to freeze as if held on pause. The intensity that fills the room in which we occupy, sifted with vibrance and that smile and the wink of an eye. His charm, my passion.. and the fact that ive fallen madly in love with this man, my best friend. I shall hold my peace, and remain silent, for a corupt friendship is what i fear and him backing away is what would kill me.. i need him around, and i shall deal with the fact that timing is off, and hope that someday he will indeed realize as well-- that he is in love with .. well, me.

I am a strong believer in fate, and truly do beleive that if we are to be together [which from the moment i saw him, this i knew] then we shall weither it takes 2 months for him to realize or 3 and a half years. I will wait.. keep my silence as long as possible.. and pretend, to not know this myself.

So many times others have approached me with a question that I have found myself thinking, as well...

If one is in love with someone, not a crush- but the real thing, truly and definately in love with someone.. a friend perhaps, a close friend.. a best friend-- do they simply keep it to themselves, and take that chance of them never knowing.. and depending on fate to naturally take it's course?? -or do they tell the other? Do they take yet another risk, and look this person in the eye-- and say to them, "I love you?" Dismissing the fact that this person may already be involved in a relationship.. or perhaps just yourself, doubting the other-- the other's feeling's of course, is it worth it? Should one risk a very important friendship, for love? Accepting the fact, that it all could so drastically change~ up or down, after those three major words escape your mouth. I don't know.

Leaving it in the hands of hope, fate and destiny~ one shall patiently wait, wait for the other.

as i look back and read the past entry's from some time ago, i have the strong need to delete so many of them, lots of them~ though instead although the thought makes me cringe, i remind myself that i did indeed feel the way i did on those particular pages.. and by deleting, i would not be forgetting nor erasing, just clicking. i will allow the disgust to rest among those entrys for the poisonous influence is not longer around, and that there- makes me smile, sigh and type once again.

standing tall, looking at others, associating with the realm that ive never understood- adhering to the countless nights of sorrow and wine, i hold her and tell her the truth. -time does indeed, heal everything. i wipe her eyes, and pour her a refill.. and look at her with my sympathetic glance, wishing that i could heal her pain, for i love her too much to see her ache. time.

no longer do i enter that space with distraction and a fast heartbeat. no longer do i enhance my minds expectation and allow my heart to flutter at the thought of ones presence. no longer do i look forward to working in that hole, where the noise has transited from loud to silent, and the time has evaporated into the thin air and now remain at a mellow neutral. no longer do i look at her and smile for her capability of being cute is in the surface, though her insides reek of ugly satisfaction. perhaps, i am incorrect- for i have thought others out to be someone great, and they resulted in being the complete opposite. no longer do i desire to be at the top, unable to get any higher in rank... not striving for that management position.. though now in want of a 2 weeks notice, and another job. no longer, no more-- or so i say.

having the ability to not care about the words others feel forced to communicate across. not caring about the one whom at one point, i indeed did. not worrying about the though of hesitation and solid regret from another team. i sit here, feeling incredibly refreshed and with a smile on my face, for tonight was nothing more than that satisfied. me.

enjoying all, hating nothing. excited by the thought of something positive, perhaps leaning in a direction of progression.

i exit saying, nothing.
the end.

~your's truly.

so i find myself constantly astonished by others behaviors. sure, its all common sense, in some sense, to avoid the obvious and prenatured pain of the ignorant and disrespectful. i sit here, tired of trying. tired of trying that consists of more than just me.. myself and the insides.

ive hurt so many people in my life, which again, is normal. each individul walks the line of love on a thin rope, blindfolded and drunk, in a way. never knowing the outcome.. for a happy situation may reek of perfection and twindle into nothing more than hateful words and an oder of dislike, or the shittiest situation of deciet and informality may create a sense of illusion, love and honor. its crazy the directions each takes. i hate it daily, then allow it for life is exactly of that. that of pain, that of mistrust, that of lies, that of TRUTH, that of happiness, that of mercy, that of faith, that of love.

i return after months to find out that this place, is the only place where i can be real, and not judged. people whom speak of participating of that of non conformists, and then snapping back at me with such a hard, cold lash of discomfort and sadness, on my part-- i realize that though i share these pages with him, fuck it. doubt he will even think to look at my journal. he know that i dont come around there pages anymore.. i traded it in for a newer model. its like a relationship, you see. i went another way, for a short time, and fell hard, and found love.. everywhere. it wasent soon before they all found me, tore me down and left me as they laughed hysterically. i love you. i miss the fact, and i now rest destroyed.. for the time being. i need to reccoerate and learn so many things. i will lay in this sand for as long as it takes. now clear with a sense of clarity. no smoke.. no use of pills.. wine.. sitting abandoned on the counter, and i stare, get injured, and fall back into that sedated sense of retardation because of a doctors orders. i continue to fall one way or another.

ive discovered my main problem. i had love, a format of it, anyway- and that, i let walk away. i abandoned that too, for what i didnt know, see or understand. i took matters into my own hands and thought as though i was living in this destination of true bliss, and compatibility. i went on dates, fell for others, fot shit on by others and incredibly let down. my karma? perhaps. the fact that i was searching? definate. love comes your way, in the most unexpected way.. on its own bus, at its desired time. when not expecting it, wanting or looking.. it shall arrive. i know this, though i go against all odds, and look.. for love is what i want more than anything and i broke the rules to alls cause. stellar? negative. im done. this time, i truly mean it.

there is a dream, that i use to have, my dream swallowed me hole.

an unforgetable thanksgiving. unepected visitors.. bi-polar family, strangers and a horribly played game of pool.. go figure.

i have to say-- these past couple weeks have been extremley eye opening for me.. for i have lost my desire to write, perhaps out of pure neglection and laziness. i have found myself feeling nothing more than upbeat, and tired. my heart is no longer heavy-- but uplifted, though others try to drag it down. i ignore the individuals that are jealous of happiness and unable to understand the importance and validation of love.. and distance. nothing more than a superficial doubt-- on their part, and nothing more than a quest and goal, on our part..

feeling full, buzzed, and resting with that natural high from the delishous turkey that i consummed hours ago-- i leave at this..

nothing is stopping anyone from getting one thing or the other accomplished. though great obsiticals may be in the way, move them over-- even if you have to climb over them to get past.. tons of detours and construction, yes.. bit in the end.. that road always ends up talking you to your desired destination.. unless you decide to veer off path, due to distraction and doubt. no one looses their way, unless they are unsure as to where they are goin, or on the direction of ones hearts guidance. point A to point B-- never a straigh away- always a curveacous swindle of misguided repitition, if one notices.. though this is not bad, nor negative. challenging indeed- but once you are where you want to be.. never does one regret nor wish that they had never left in the beginning.. unless the never wanted to start the adventure in the first place. its all abound to that decision of true want and that motivational drive to acheive that aroma of pure satisfaction, and contentment. makes no sense, perhaps-- worded worng, perhaps-- but my point? if you want something.. bad enough, and its a genuine, real, honest want... you will get it.. reguardless the path traveled.. short, or 3000 miles away.

"down on me... nothing in this world is so hard to find, when youve got yours, and ive got mine.." -- and weve got eachother.

i sit here .. and i feel so stupid. i allowed myself to feel-- feel for someone whom i dont know, cant touch and am unable to see. for the first time i felt as though i was sure of something. i dont know what to think- how to think, or as to why tears are streaming down my face as this exact moment.

that feeling of just wanting to run away is all i can own up to right now, that thought of ripping each stran of hair out of my head and becoming nautious as i stare..

allowing myself to be vulnerable, and as i contradict myself-- i feel as though my heart got squeezed, and has yet to be let loose.. my face is still red from the harsh slap, and my eyes continue to be wet.

why am i so upset.. why am i so out of conrtol? why am i hurting the way i am by his few words, and why am i so numb to the thought of explaination? i feel as though i just lost a part of me, yet this part i feel, think and speak so highly of-- nothing more than a stranger.

my days of smitten bliss.. my positive attitude that was merely changed from negitive all because of a certain individual.. leaves me here, high, and a mess. i should have known that something so good-- would end up being nothing more that that of.. a dream.

to doubt. to turn away and not accept. accept whatever- weither its a feeling, or a thought or a person-- that misleading perception of what one belives to be correct, yet its nothing more than that of a trick. doomed fromt he beginning, everlong society and the relationships that create the core of emotion. emotions.

im not alone. ive always been alone, and been use to that idea of isolation and descret behavioral attidudes.. yet lately, ive felt alive, appreciated, and noticed.. and connected. all sliced down the middle by that fucking defination of "doubt."

thats my problem. i love too much. i give parts of my heart away, and never do they get returned, for they are not sold to the world and mocked in such a way that it does nothing but make me ill.

irrational reaction. perhaps. over reacting. perhaps.. but that doesnt change the fact that i alloud myself to feel. too much. i let myself go-- and figured that he would catch me. there i go assuming, ay? that dangerous playground of strict assumption. i promised myself that i wouldnt let myself get hurt-- by anyone ever again. what is life without pain? death.

simple as can be. a beautiful mind, yet failure to recognize and accept the fact that indeed, he is magnificiant. he is smart. he is wise.. he is far-- yet seemed so close, to me. back to that dark place i go. no pity here, just self regret- and remorse in a sense of gratification. never do i regret-- and i still refuse to do so in that main picture. for never will i loose him. all of him, anyway. perhaps no more indepth conversation amongst the sleep deprived, or hysterical laughs for i have no reason to laugh at this particualr point. instead, i will stop crying, move on- and slap myself in the face, for again, allowing myself to create such a beautiful senerio- that i guess... lived only in my mind. i led myself to think that it was much more. shame on me. NOT YOU.

the love that i have-- for whatever dimension of love it rests in, it is solid.. permanenant, and true. it will not dissapear, or go away-- but it is not view in a different state of honesty... a lie? --- never. not even at the beginning, but false to a sense of daydreaming... perhaps. i let my mind run away with my heart- and those two should never be hand in hand with one another. nothing but hearache and mental chaos.

i continue to be confused.. and wondering to the break of insanity. something that i felt so keen about- and valid about- and comfortable about- and happy about-- i feel is gone. i feel as though he never heard me. i dont disagree that he indeed listened.. but heard me? obviously not. maybe this is all something that the other needs to confront. a battle amongst the thoughts in his head- and his feelings, and the fact that the feeling of indifference had escaped.. he misses it. he misses being sad.. and lonely.. and safe. his comfort zone of morality and self medication. i once had changed his mind, for now i feel it was all for nothing more than that "72 hour high." unfourtanate that it lasted much longer for I.

i still love you. i love the thought of you. i love your mind, though its caused me sorrow-- thats my own fault, not yours. i love your ideas, and your laugh.. and man, those eyes... and our connection. perhaps in another lifetime, right? for tonight has ended in great greif and dissapointment. ALL MY OWN FUCKING FAULT. BE CLEAR ON THAT. ON THE FACT THAT I ALLOUD MYSELF THESE RECKLESS EMOTION. PERHAPS YOU INSPIRED THEM, BUT I OK'ED THEM, FOR NOW I AM LEFT WITH THE AFTERMATH, OF HOPING.. LUSTING, AND JUST PLAIN OLD NOT KNOWING.

all apologies, to the one who knows who he is. the one who reads my words, and doubts them. to the one who thinks.. and thought that he knew me.. and still does. you do. you did. and you still continue to.. know me.

quit doubting yourself. thats what your doing. your not doubting me. you. you. you. i know who i am.. at least i try to-- and i try to understand myself.. though through a mirror of identities.. i come back down to the realm of the norm.. and the incredibly fucked up. i rest here. no negitivity, no hate, no regret-- still love. just tears. perhaps healthy one.. perhaps empty ones.

no worries, love. no worries, Jesl. fuck it, ay? none the less, never more.